followthewhiterabbit's Blog

I don't want a man who just wants sex
I don't want a man who just wants to have fun
I don't want a man who controls or manipulates
I don't want a man who intimidates
I don't want a man with even a spark of anger in him
I don't want a man who can't provide
I don't want a man who doesn't know how to treat women right
I don't want a man who can't laugh at himself 
I don't want a man who can't laugh with me
I don't want a man who thinks he is better than everyone else
I don't want a man with no ambitions
I don't want a man with no fight in him and no passion
I don't want a man with no romance in him
I don't want a man who thinks its okay to not help around the house
I don't want a man who won't do things spontaneously
I don't want a man who never learns
I don't want a man who looks or lusts after other women, his eyes, his body, his mind and soul should be for me only
I don't want a man who doesn't want to marry me and live happily ever after
I don't want a man who doesn't want to have a family with me 
I don't want a man who can't protect his family or make sensible decisions
I don't want a man who isn't charitable and good to everyone he meets
I don't want a man who can't make time for me
I don't want a man who can't strive to please me
I don't want a man who is narrow minded 
I don't want a man who doesn't look after himself
I don't want a man who can't have fun
I don't want a man who can't give me space when I need it
I don't want a man who can't be sensitive to my feelings 
I don't want a man who drinks too much or takes drugs
I don't want a man who can't thrill me and excite me 
I don't want a man who has weird fetishes 
I don't want a man who thinks the woman's place is in the kitchen/ bedroom/ at home
I don't want a man who can't support me in my decisions
I don't want a man who can't make me laugh
I don't want a man who makes me cry
I don't want a man who over spends money or values it too highly
I don't want a man who blasphemes against God
I don't want a man who doesn't like Christians
I don't want a man who doesn't love God
I don't want a man who degrades God, women, people from other religions or cultures
I don't want a man who has a small penis
I don't want a man who isn't perfect for me 
I don't want a man who won't be lost without me and who won't be thinking every moment about me
I don't want a man who doesn't want to make a life with me
I don't want a man who won't put up with my crazy family 
I don't want prince charming but I want to find my man!!! 

....And you wonder why I'm single!!! 

And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant with faith and love which is in Christ Jesus - 1 Tim. 1:14

OVERLOAD of.. 

Honestly what will become of me...
Don't like reality...
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..
Silent all these years..
Make me feel guilty for feeling at all..
What if the things that scare us today..happen someday
What if nothing is safe? What if no one is saved? 
Wait, I'm wrong..should have done better than this, please I'll be strong...
Show me what I'm looking for..save me I'm lost, Oh Lord I've been waiting for you, I'll pay any cost, save me from me confused
the answer came like a shot in the back ? 
All I can do is try
I can't make you love me 
trippin' up thinking there's must be more to life
I'm empty inside, what is this thing I'm feeling and why can't I let it go? 
I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep up above my head instead of going under
Girl disappearing 
He still loves me 
How will I know..

..I never want..
..I never want to have to feel scared to go home
..I never want to walk the empty cold dark street and feel like I can't go home
..I never want to feel like I have no friends or family in the world
..I never want to have to cry myself to sleep 
..I never want to be so desperate for love that it causes me to sin
..I never want to have to lie to save my own skin
..I never want to see my mum cry
..I never want to see my sister cry
..I never want to have to see that angry face that makes me shrivel 
..I never want to be threatened 
..I never want to be smacked 
..I never want to have to feel like I have no home
..I never want my things in boxes as if I'm moving and yet have no where to move to
..I never want to feel like I'm an welcomed guest in my own home
..I never want to be guilt tripped or have painful experiences used against me just to cause me pain
..I never want to see that threatening lip or that evil eye
..I never want to have to be the parents to my parents 
..I never want to cause any pain and wish and know that if I didn't exist things might be better
..I never want to hold that razor or use that knife despite the ease it brings 
..I never want to remember that my teddies were my only affectionate things 
..I never want to have to pretend to be happy when I'm not 
..I never want to have to pretend that I don't have feelings because it'd be better if I didn't..but I do
..I never want to be made to feel guilty about my existence 
..I never want to be belittled 
..I never want to compare my house to being a prison
..I never want to hide what I am..what I like, what I enjoy, just because it doesn't please you 
..I never want to lose my family, lose everyone that I hold dear when they mean so much to me 
..I never want to lose another one to death or to prison or to the mental assylum or to a wife and other family
..I never want to hear well that's tough, that's just life..I am tough and my life is tougher, but I can do it
..I never want to be scared, I never want to be bullied

I want to be free
I want to breathe easily
I want to live securely, to have a house and home 
I want to have a family and friends
I want to have someone who loves me and who loves Jesus
I want to love Jesus more
I want to not be confused or anxious 
I want things to be clear
I want to make something of myself 
I want to teach and have children by the dozen
I want to have my own family whom I will cherish 
I want to give them everything
I want to travel the world 
I want to meet new people 
I want to line the walls with books 
I want to draw, write and create fantasy things that might be possible in my world
I want to lie on the floor and gaze into the ceiling as they were my happiest hours 
I want to praise God and be with his people 
I want to let people see me even if they don't like me 
I want to be treated with enough respect to make my own choices
I want to be heard and respected
I want my opinions to matter
I want my family to know how much I love them because it is beyond anything I can express and my heart is strangled and I never allow myself to cry unless in immeasurable amounts of pain but I want to cry with happiness
I want to lie on a golden beach for the first time in my life 
I want to live in the sunshine because I'm tired of rain 

 I own my memories though they flutter like angel butterflies out through the morning window into the desert air. I'm coaxed by my imagination out of innocence and the ideal, no longer a child, no longer a trinket of beauty to hang onto my Father's hand. A trophy though minor that no one could boast of but that which would save as a reminder to greater things.
 I was once a strong young wilder beast grazzing in sunny meadows and eating out of the fruits of the land, drinking water of life and shedding my leaves of immoral grace. Alas when fate would lend me a string of fortune I would play against the Gods to the peril of my soul but an adventure of the mind too sour to resist.
Could all my stories end up like sin, wasting away in dustbins, on street alleys, in corner shops, on chinmey tops or paintings that explore little to do with faith and more to do with the art of slander and toil.
  I could caress and lavish you with my thoughts for hours and hours eventually leaving you raw and to the extent that no esctasy would push through, personally and purposely I resist.